Ambivalent Leader

I am so bored.

So bored, I’m bored of boredom. One big boredom. Bored, bored, over-board.

It’s not like I don’t have anything to do.  Half of it involves on waiting for other people to give me what I need.  The other half I spend avoiding people who are trying to give me tasks that I don’t want to do.  The rest of the time I am in my car.

Just as I was thinking about whether I should quit my job (at least that would be some excitement, I could get all emotional, feel like a victim of my on self-destruction, etc.), I thought “no, it’s not that bad.” Over my shoulder I hear: “I need you to move that computer that blah, blah, blah.”

I thought to myself, “Where is my imaginary, ‘I don’t do IT’ t-shirt . . . today would’ve been good time to have worn it to the office.”

I’m beginning to believe there are forces conspiring to make me quit my job.  Forces in cahoots.

Let’s say, for sake of the argument that I don’t believe in God (the Christ one, blessed be his name) or the Devil (known as Satan or ‘da Debil’ in Louisiana or Shatan to my Muslim cousins, as I am sure that there are a whole lot of you reading this). I don’t believe in God or the Devil but these forces are whispering. I can hear them (ooh, if I could convince anyone of that . . . talk about excitement . . . drugs . . . fantastic stories of electric shock treatment and looney-well-meaning doctors and sadistic nurses, a  great escape involving a large, hunky native American man . . . wait, that’s already been done).  But I digress . . . regressing . . .

The stars are misaligned.  Or aligned against me.  The stars are not my allies. They are mis-allies.  Get this: if I’m Buddhist, then I believe that the great cosmic energy that is all things (except God because he doesn’t exist) is in cahoots with the stars.  Every living being that ever was, is and is to come has conspired to do everything in its power to make me bored and miserable at work so that I will quit, and not only that, I am sure, absolutely positive, that they are telling me to quit before we move offices at the end of the month.  It’s the beginning of the month now; 1^st day in fact, and they are hard at work conspiring.  The stars in the heavens and all the cosmic energy around me are making things happen.

Gravity is at work.

Treacheries. Like a poltergeist moving furniture around Steve Wonder’s bedroom.

But why?

Does it matter? I just need to follow the energy. Watch for auspicious signs. Follow the yellow brick road and get to that stinking wizard.  Wait, no God, no devil. Probably no wizards, either.

Since these forces aren’t good (God) or bad (Satan) then they have to be indifferent at best, ambivalent at worst, in between vague and something else.

I am following a vaguely indifferent and somewhat of an ambivalent leader.

Why? Because every single time I say to myself, “Self, if one more person does/says/asks ‘blank’, that’s it.  I can’t take it anymore.” Then it happens like clockwork orange; I am writing my own novel with the loud thoughts in my brain.

This impartial universe is on it. I could give you examples but it wouldn’t matter because: 1) you already believe me because it has happened to you; 2) that’s not the burning question; 3) you often stop for train wrecks and not because you are a good Samaritan, proper Jew, loving Christian, charitable Muslim or smart Atheist.

What’s caught your attention is this: Why?

There’s something else.  It’s the oxymoron, the paradox, if you will, of an ambivalent leader.  Oh, we’ve heard of malevolent leaders and beneficent leaders and even magnificent ones but an ambivalent one? What?

Often, in the middle of a dilemma (like whether I should facebook stalk that cute guy I saw at church who might just be a friend of a friend if only I knew his name), I like to look at the facts.

Here are the facts surrounding quitting my job:

• ·         It will cut into my play money (giving money, food money)
• ·         It will be hard to buy a car with no job
• ·         It will be hard to move this summer; generally, landlords like people who have means of paying rent (highly overrated, paying rent)
• ·        No one asks out people who don’t have jobs (just throwing this out there, if you are of the male variety of venus flytrap, can touch the top of a door frame with little effort, born sometime in the 70’s, are puppy-like (ie – cute & fun) , creative, have at least a modicum of a sense of humor and a job, call me)

Point.

Counter point.

·        

• There’s a lot of playing that can be had for free (if you don’t agree, invite me to play, you pay, just saying).
• ·         Car. Mine’s broken but I like broken. There’s something endearing about broken.
• ·         City. Move.  Alex, I’ll take Scarlet O’Hara for $100 and think about it tomorrow. 
• ·         Date.  Over-rated. Besides, crazier things have happened. Did I ever tell you about the time I was at as Smithereens’ concert and . . . way off topic, never mind. 

Well.

Okay. It involves getting a guitar pick, that I don’t have anymore and I’m not here to cry about lost guitar’s picks, though it was handed down to me from the stage by Pat DiNizio, like the hand of God reaching down . . . wait, I don’t believe in God, right. 

Stick with the ambivalent leadership of the universe.

That doesn’t change the fact that Pat DiNizio handed me a guitar pick, from the stage that I don’t have any more. Sad.

Now, I’m depressed.

Depressed and bored. 

Where was I?  Oh, the vaguely indifferent and ambivalent universe is conspiring to make me quit my job.

Who cares? It doesn’t mean anything.

In the words of, my hero, Albert Camus:  “Maman died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know. I got a telegram from the home: Mother deceased. Funeral tomorrow. Faithfully yours. That doesn't mean anything. Maybe it was yesterday.”

Besides the fact that the quote is slightly irrelevant, I spent a boring day at work writing this and once I post it on facebook I may get fired and won’t have to quit.

Ah, the gravitational poltergeists of the stars hard at work.

How’s them cahoots for you?